Retired(?) quarterback Brett Favre has been chosen to grace the cover of EA Sports Madden 2009 football video game.

Fuck him.

Everyone knows that there is a “Madden Curse” attached to the person that is on the cover each year. Although usually in the form of injuries or minor maladies, the curse is real and IT WILL strike Favre sometime in 2008.

Here are my top 5 potential curses for Brett Favre:

5. Hometown of Kiln, MS is completely wiped out by Hurricane Ditka, a powerful tropical storm that also collects 8.5 sacks in limited playing time in 2009 for the Bears.

4. Favre accidentally shoots himself in the foot while hunting on his family ranch. Upon admittance to the hospital, staff informs Favre that local government has banned doctors from giving pain pill prescriptions. No vicodin, no codeine, no percs, nothing.

3. Favre returns to football to play for the Green Bay Packers. Since the Packers plan to start Aaron Rodgers this year and recently drafted Brian Brohm, Packers GM Ted Thompson decides to trade Favre to the Detroit Lions. Ouch. Is that a burn on the Lions franchise? Yeah, I think it is.

2. Favre spontaneously combusts as the result of over-fellation from the media. While watching his jersey be retired on Monday Night Football, the Favre suck-off continues at a rapid rate of 7.3 praise-filled comments per minute. The sensory overload and self-gratification causes Favre to explode.

1. In a freak commercial shoot accident similar to the Pepsi-Jacko hair on fire fiasco, Favre tries on a pair of one-size too small Wrangler jeans. The tight fit cuts off the circulation to his balls and he needs emergency surgery to restore life down below.

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Kenton Keith racked up quite a lil rap sheet two weekends ago in Indianapolis. Disorderly conduct, resisting law enforcement, public intoxication and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Thats what I’m talking about. Get that girl drunk.

Oh wait, turns out the delinquent in question was a 19-year old man. Ewwwwwwww!!!

Keith was arrested after refusing to leave a nightclub parking lot. While in the process of being arrested, Keith repeatedly shouted to the officers, “I’m a Colts player, I’m a Colts player.”

Two thoughts here:

1) I really have to find out what I’ve been missing in these nightclub parking lots. They really seem like the place to be since no one ever wants to leave the lot. I drive by this nightclub parking lot all the time on the way home from work and it looks kind of scary. There are always homeless bums and creepy looking addicts strewn about the area. Maybe thats because the nightclub is right next door to a Faith Mission men’s shelter, but whatever, I’m still not trying to kick it there.

2) The line “I’m a Colts player!” only works if you are Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark or Marvin Harrison. Joesph Addai hasn’t even earned his free pass yet with the Indy cops. I however did say something like this to a cop once while getting arrested, but it was more like, “Hey chill bro, lets go get some cold Colt (45), playa.”

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Apologies to our three readers of this blog, as I have really shit the bed lately in keeping up with this thing. I was on vacation for awhile and the NFL Draft pretty much dominates my life once we get to mid-April.

So anyway, I want to say I officially suck at keeping up with my blog, but I vow to do better. Now I just have to get through deleting these 1,400 spam comments. Isn’t there a better way to mass edit these GD comments at a clip of more than a measly 20 at a time?

By the time I get through these, another NFL player’s girlfriend will have been nearly choked to death and Chris Henry will be serving a 3 to 9 year sentence.

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The following is an open letter to Matt Leinart, quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals and gatekeeper to the garden of endless poon.

Dear Matt,

I have to applaud you on your most recent efforts to show the world that you are indeed the most sought-after heartthrob in the NFL. Forget the media love for Tom Brady, you are the true lord of the vajeen.

I was wondering if you might consider taking me under your wing so you can mentor me on the art of boning hot chicks barely over 18. You seem to have all the tools. Beachy SoCal looks, a sizable bank account and sub-mediocre celebrity status. You are like the Brody Jenner of the NFL. Speaking of which, do you think you could introduce me to Brody? I wanna see if he can hook me up with that brunette from The Hills that had those nude pics leak recently. Audrina something. If you could hook a blogger up, that would be sweet.

So anyway, I’m kind of disappointed that I wasn’t invited to your last party. I could have at least helped balance out the girl-to-guy ratio, which seemed heavily in favor of girls. I mean, I’m not saying that you need to have a sausage-fest at the crib, but hey man, spread the wealth a little. Whats up with hording all the hot tail and keeping it for yourself? Thats just downright selfish. Especially considering all the ass you ran though at USC, and now you are staking claim over the Arizona State co-eds?

Well fuck that, dude. I kind of wish you got drafted by like, Buffalo. These pics would be a hell of a lot different. There would be one overweight chick with a Sabres sweater on, a couple of Canadians and a tall, pale red-head named Paula doing keg stands.

Its not fair that you landed in Tempe. Seven out of every 10 girls that get accepted at ASU will at one point in their lives be a stripper. Its fact. Look it up.

Sorry, got off track there. Whenever I think of ASU and strippers I have to go find this pic.

Here’s the deal Matt: You coach me up on how to lay the mack down. I’ll hook you up with um….a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear. Take it or leave it, thats my final offer.

So when do I move in?

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Man I’m not really sure where to start with this one, as the details are painting a hilariously accurate scene in my head.

Cleveland Browns defensive back Kenny Wright was arrested yesterday on several charges, all of which probably could have been avoided if Wright wasn’t stoned out of his mind (look at the pic!) and completely unaware of his surroundings.

Police in Pearland, Texas responded to a disturbance that began in the POLICE STATION PARKING LOT and as officers stepped out the front door and “arrived” on the scene, Wright took off running and led them on a quarter-mile chase.

Upon being apprehended (whoa, cops outran a DB?), officers discovered 1.875 ounces of marijuana in Wright’s vehicle.

So let me get this straight. Wright was ballsy enough to have close to two ounces of weed in his car AT A POLICE STATION, then decided to cause enough of a stir to actually have police investigate what was going on in the parking lot. Then he ran. Yeeaaaahhhh. Kenny, wtf?

The best part is the quote from police sergeant Roy Castillo.

“We had people on the scene pretty fast and I believe because of our quick response time and the mental and physical toughness of our officers to catch offenders, we were able to get him in custody quickly and safely.”

Hey Roy, lets not begin the police dept. suck-off contest yet, ok buddy? Yeah you had people on the scene fast because the incident occurred in your fucking PARKING LOT. Assclown.

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